"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people." -Orson Welles
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30
years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The
original meal has never been found." -Calvin Trillin
(hilarious)
FOOD SPOILAGE TEST:
EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the
egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt
is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like
regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk
anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese
but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.
Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three- block radius to congregate outside your house, the
meat is spoiled.
BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any
loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth
areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into
a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT:
It never spoils.
CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS:
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the
floor, it has gone bad.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span
of a hamster. Keep a hamster nearby your refrigerator to
gauge this.
________
Greetings Laff Lovers,
One of my younger brothers came over for a visit last night,
and he was towing his two rambunctious boys and his infant girl. We were sitting around talking when it became apparent that his daughter needed a diaper change. My wife handed him his supply bag and a look of horror came over his face.
"Can you do it, please?" he asked my wife.
"Why?" I asked. "I know you know how to do it. I always see you changing the boys diapers."
"Yeah, them I change. We have the same equipment. But, her-
well, you know."
"No, I don't know," my wife said. "Why don't you explain it to us."
"It's that whole Oedipus thing. I feel weird wiping her, umm..."
I busted out laughing. "Hey, man! it's your daughter's. You're not supposed to fondle the f***ing thing, you clean it!"
My wife hit me over the head with the big bag, and my brother jumped up and did one of those dances you do when you are too grossed out to do anything else.
I just looked at the two of them and said, "What?"
Hygienicly,
TZ
tz@laffaday.com
_______
Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?
A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the
kitchen?
------------------------------------------------------------
Slander: To lie, or tell the truth, about someone.
---Ambrose Bierce
+--------------- Bizarre National Holidays ----------------+
SEPTEMBER IS...
September is... Be Kind To Editors and Writers Month
September is... National Bed Check Month
September is... National Chicken Month
September is... National Mind Mapping Month
September is... National Papaya Month
September 1 is... Emma M. Nutt Day
September 2 is... National Beheading Day
September 5 is... Be Late For Something Day
September 11 is... No News Is Good News Day
September 12 is... National Chocolate Milkshake Day
September 13 is... Defy Superstition Day
September 15 is... Felt Hat Day
September 16 is... Stay Away From Seattle Day
September 18 is... National Play-doh Day
September 22 is... Hobbit Day and Dear Diary Day
September 23 is... Checkers Day and Dogs In Politics Day
September 28 is... Ask A Stupid Question Day
September 29 is... Poisoned Blackberries Day
September 30 is... National Mud Pack Day
----------- Grand-Slam Surgery Scores Big Points -----------
NEW ENGLAND - There were enough organs to go around when four
patients received organs from one donor in an historic multi-
transplant operation at Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital.
It was reported that the quadruple-recipient donation was the
first of its kind in New England and perhaps in the world. One
man received the donor's heart, another a kidney, and two wo-
men from New Hampshire each received a lung. According to Chief
of Thoratic Surgery Dr. David Sugarbaker, "It was the first
grand-slam transplant, with four runs coming across the plate.
It was "serendipitous" that all four recipients rose to the
top of the waiting list at the right time."
[With so many healthy organs I'm forced to wonder what killed
the guy?] ------------- Nude Hitchhiker Pinched By Cops --------------
GASTONIA, N.C. - A 43-year-old female hitchhiker got a free
ride to jail when she stripped to attract a ride. Hamza Sch-
wenking-Ben, of Nuremberg, Germany, said she left Georgia
about a week ago and was hitchhiking and walking her way
along Interstate 85, hoping to meet a friend who lives in
Virginia. Schwenking-Ben was picked up by a state trooper
and charged with indecent exposure while she was standing at
an exit ramp carrying her coat, a change of clothes and a
passport. Officials said at least eight motorists called 911
on their cell phones instead of stopping.
-------------- Man Left Stranded in Outhouse ---------------
IVANHOE, Virginia - Coolidge Winesett, 75, spent three stench
filled days in an outhouse when the floor of the toilet coll-
apsed. Winesett, who is partially paralyzed from a stroke and
lives alone, fell Saturday when the floor of the outhouse and
part of a wall gave way. Winesett was saved from being dunked
in the deepest sludge by the collapsed floor, but he suffered
splinter scratches and had to endure the odor. He was rescued
when Jimmy Jackson, the mail carrier, noticed that Winesett's
deliveries were still in the box and went looking for him. He
was taken to Wythe County Community Hospital and treated for
dehydration and infection from the scratches.
HonoredMule |
HM |
website =
RoR Complete = 73239774 |
assassin@nbnet.nb.ca--- Just want one thing, just to play the king.
--- But the castle's crumbled and you're left with just a name.
---
Where's your crown King Nothing?